The relationships within which we explore intimacy and sex can be extremely varied. For people dating, hooking up, or connecting casually, talking about sex can feel awkward or difficult to do. There may be less trust, fewer shared experiences, or a greater fear of "ruining the mood". But communication is key for having positive sexual experiences, establishing clear boundaries and minimising misunderstandings, and there are ways to practice confidence, clarity and comfort even with new partners or those you may be less emotionally connected too.
The following exercises are designed to help people build skills for open, respectful, and playful sexual communication outside of traditional couples therapy settings.
Self-Exploration - Getting Hands-on
Before you can communicate what you want with someone else, it can really help to have a good knowledge of what you enjoy. Solo exploration (masturbation) is one of the most reliable ways to figure that out as it gives you real time, pressure free feedback about what feels good.
Through self-exploration, you can learn about the types of touch, pressure, rhythm and pace that work for you and become familiar with listening to your body's signals and responses. This kind of self-discovery gives you embodied knowledge to share with a partner.
If you're looking for practical tips on self-exploration, have a look at our guides here.
Practice Naming Your Wants and Boundaries Alone First
If you're not used to voicing desires or boundaries, it can feel difficult in the moment. Practicing alone builds muscle memory and can make communication around sex and intimacy feel more comfortable.
Try finding a safe space where you feel comfortable and start practicing saying things out loud (you can also do this in front of a mirror if that feels OK), for example:
- "I'd really like to X, how do you feel about that?"
- "I'm into X, are you?
- "I don't want to X tonight."
You might also want to try writing down what you like and desire to help gain confidence about your wants, desires and boundaries.
There's no right or wrong way to do this so you can get creative. However, we have created a sexual activities list to use if you want a bit of guidance with this.
Sexting as a Communication Warm Up
We spend so much time on our phones, and while ideally they're left outside of the bedroom, sometimes they can help us get there. Sexting or sexual texting can be a creative, lower-pressure way to share desires, set boundaries and build anticipation before anything physical happens.
Sexting can be helpful because:
- It can feel easier to write what you want
- It can build sexual tension. Sharing fantasies or preferences ahead of time can make the eventual encounter feel very exciting.
- It gives space to reflect. You can think about what you like, read their responses and learn about each other without rushing.
Idea's to try:
- Share on or two things you'd love to try and ask what they're into.
- Set soft boundaries in a sexy way e.g. "I'm not into X in the bedroom but I would love Y"
- Debrief afterwards with a cheeky follow up e.g. "Last night was hot, I can't stop thinking about X. Next time, more of X?"
A note of balance:
Sexting isn't a substitute for in-person communication as things can change in the moment, and checking in during intimacy is still essential. But it can be a fantastic stepping stone. It can help you learn more about yourself and each other, setting expectations clearly, and making the eventual encounter potentially very exciting and hot.
Clear Words, Calm Nerves
You don't need dirty talk to be perfectly smooth to communicate well during intimacy. Simple direct language can be very sexy and the least stressful.
If you feel shy, nervous or unsure what to say, try gently naming it e.g. "I get a bit shy talking about this at first but want to make sure we're on the same page." A small acknowledgement can dissolve tension, make the moment more human and build trust.
Things you can try saying that are simple:
- "Does this feel good?"
- "Can I...?"
- "More of this?"
- "Maybe you can show me how you like it?"
Why is this helpful?
- It reduces pressure for all involved.
- It models honesty, which encourages your partner to be honest too.
- It keeps communication grounded, warm and non-awkward.
In short ,simple language can support in making communication feel more doable and naming your nerves makes it feel real, safe and intimate. Together, they make they can may the interaction feel more connected without killing the vibe.
