Talking about sex can make you feel vulnerable, even in the closest relationships. There are lots of reasons why people may find it difficult (click here to read more on reasons why communication during sex can feel challenging).
Here at Sex Actually we strive to make our content as inclusive as possible. We appreciate that every relationship is different. Although we hope that the below is relevant to all individuals having sex and intimacy with others, we know that the type of relationship and other personal factors may influence how accessible some of these tips and exercises might feel. We have therefore made a guide specifically for individuals to use alone, with aim of building confidence in communication outside of a relationship.
The following evidence-based exercises are designed to help people connect more deeply, improve communication, and create safer, more satisfying intimate experiences. Try them at your own pace, there’s no “right” way, just the way that works for both of you.
- The "Yes, No, Maybe" List
Talking about preferences during sex and intimacy can be hard. The "yes, no, maybe" list is simple way to learn about what turns you and your partner on (and off).
How to do it:
Download the checklist below and go through the activities, marking whether you are very comfortable with the activity (or the idea of it), if it's not your thing or not something you want to explore or if the activities are things you are curious about and might like to try or do more of.
Share and compare the answers with your partner, noticing where there is overlap in your interests and differences.
This exercise can help create a safe, structured way to discuss likes, fantasies, limits and curiosities.
- Sensate Focus for Couples
This exercise has the same principles as the 'exploring your body' exercises discussed here. The aim of this is to slow down and invites couples to explore touch with each other. It was designed to help couples move away from performance-based sex where individuals may have certain expectations of how sex "should" be (e.g. overly focused on penetration) or be too focused on a specific goal (e.g. achieving an orgasm).
The guides below offer a series of structured exercises that begin with non-sexual, non-genital contact and exploration of touch and gradually progress to incorporate touching of genitals for when both partners feel ready.
[INSERT GUIDES]
The goal is not about arousal or orgasm but instead about tuning into sensations of touch, building trust and getting comfortable with how your whole body responds to touch with another person. Each person should not feel pressure to do anything more than just noting what touch feels good.
Sensate focus for couples can be a great way to slow down, explore without expectation and re-establish intimacy at their own pace. This exercise can also support in building intimate connection and reducing anxiety associated with sex.
- Check-In's
For many, great sex requires emotional connection. Building in regular check in's with your partner outside of the bedroom can support in practicing open, honest communication. Try the following exercise to practice incorporating check-in's within your relationship(s):
Exercise:
- Each partner takes turns sharing:
- Something they appreciated or valued about the other recently.
- One thing they’re feeling (an emotion). This can be positive, negative or neutral.
- One thing they’re needing that they would like acknowledged (this can be an emotional need or a physical one)
- Take turns and try to just listen to your partner when they are sharing, without interruption or judgement so each of you get the opportunity to feel heard.
How does this support communication in sex?
A sexual connection relies on feeling psychologically safe so when a partner is given the opportunity to hear appreciation and honest feelings outside of the bedroom, they may feel more secure opening up in those more sexually intimate spaces. Research on couples has shown that feeling emotionally seen and validated increases satisfaction with their sex lives and this exercise is a simple way to foster closeness regularly.
We also live in a busy world and can feel like we're juggling a lot. Everyday stress, misunderstandings or resentments within relationships can act as a block to desire. Check-ins, whether you use the above template or have your own means of checking in with one another, can help to avoid sex becoming layered with unrelated frustrations.
- Post-intimacy debriefs
We've considered communication before and during sex and intimacy, but what happens after is just as important. Creating time for an intentional debrief creates a safe space to share appreciation, process the experience, and set the stage for more satisfying intimacy in the future.
So what actually is a post-intimacy debrief? It's a gentle check in between partners after sex, intimacy, touch or intimate play. It doesn't have to be a heavy or clinical conversation but rather a space for partners to feel seen, cared for and understood.
This practice has roots in the BDSM/kink community, where “aftercare” is an essential step to ensure partners feel safe and emotionally grounded after intense play. But the benefits extend to any couple.
You may find your own ways of doing this but if you need prompts to get started you can try the following:
- What did you enjoy the most about that?
- Was there anything new you liked or didn’t like?
- Is there something you’d like to try differently next time?
- How are you feeling right now—physically and emotionally?
- Adapting communication beyond words
We often think about communication as using words and "saying the right thing". However, when we are communicating about anything, we rely on much more than just what is being said. Our tone of voice, eye contact, body language, and even silence all carry meaning. For some, removing the pressure of direct verbal talk can make sexual communication feel easier, less awkward, and even more fun. Here are some tips for adapting communication:
- No eye-contact conversations - try discussing sexual desires, turn ons, fantasies (or share answers from the yes, no, maybe list above) whilst sitting back to back, lying in the dark, or whilst walking or sitting side by side. Removing other's non-verbal responses when communicating can help lessen anxiety and support people to feel more free to be honest, especially around more sensitive or vulnerable topics.
- Writing things down - try using notes or a journal to write down your sexual desires, wants, things you've previously enjoyed, things you want to try more of as well as any anxieties you may have. You can then share this with a partner if you feel comfortable doing so. This can help as writing slows down your thoughts, gives you time to find the right words, and removes the heat-of-the-moment pressure.
- Agree on non-verbal signals - if words feel hard, try and agree on a few simple signals such as a squeeze of the hand for "yes" or tapping twice for "pause/stop" or moving position for "lets try something different". This ensures communication is still happening even if words feel difficult to find.
Communication is not one-size-fits-all. By experimenting with non-verbal, playful, or indirect methods, couples can find approaches that feel more natural, especially when direct talk feels too vulnerable or pressured. It can also provide a good starting point to building up confidence with communication.
Sex and intimacy are deeply personal, and there’s no single “right” way to communicate about them. The techniques in this article are tools to help you explore, express, and connect with your partner(s) more confidently. The most important thing is curiosity, patience, and openness: by practicing communication, noticing what works, and celebrating small successes, you can create intimacy that feels safe, satisfying, and uniquely yours.
