Talking about sex, even with someone you trust and feel close to, can be surprisingly difficult. For a lot of people, expressing what you like, or don't like, when it comes to intimate encounters can bring up feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear of being judged negatively, or simply feel difficult because you haven't had much experience of doing it.
These emotional barriers are really important to discuss because they can deeply affect our ability to connect, experience pleasure, and ensure that our experiences are fully consensual.
In this article, we'll explore some common emotional challenges to healthy communication around sex and link you to some practical tips to help you build confidence in clearly expressing your wants, needs and boundaries.
Why can it be hard to communicate during sex?
Sex can be a very personal and vulnerable experience. Difficulty communicating during sex and intimacy is shaped by a complex mix of emotional, social, cultural and psychological factors. Below are some examples of barriers that can make it hard to speak up about what you want, or don't want during intimate moments:
1.Shame and stigma
Shame is one of the most common and powerful barriers to open and honest communication during sex. Many people carry shame around sex, not because there's anything wrong with them, but because of the messages they’ve received about sex throughout life. We are exposed to messages through family, religion, media, culture or school that may frame sex as dirty, sinful, inappropriate or only acceptable under specific conditions. These beliefs can become internalised and make us feel that simply having sexual desires, let alone voicing them, is something to be embarrassed or secretive about.
Shame can also extend beyond just sex itself. It also can include how we feel in, and about our bodies. Many people may struggle with being seen or touched and feel self-conscious or discomfort about their appearance, genitals, weight, scars, body hair or natural physical responses (like not getting aroused “fast enough” or making certain sounds). When we don’t feel good in our bodies, it can be hard to be present during intimacy, let alone communicate confidently about desires or boundaries.
Furthermore, shame can follow after a negative or painful sexual experience, even when it wasn’t your fault. If you’ve had an encounter where your needs were ignored, boundaries crossed, or your body responded in a way that left you confused or ashamed, it’s common to internalise those feelings and carry them into future experiences.
The impact of this can be that you feel self-conscious about your desires or appearance. You may struggle to even identify your wants without feeling a sense of guilt or self-judgement or perhaps you notice a hesitancy to express discomfort because it doesn't feel safe enough.
You might notice thoughts such as:
- "What if they see my body and think it's gross?"
- "I don't want to make things awkward by telling them I don't like that."
- "If I admit I don't like that, they might get upset or think I'm broken."
2.Fear of judgement or rejection
Sex is deeply personal. To share what turns you on, or what feels off, means revealing vulnerable parts of yourself. It’s natural to worry about how someone else might respond. You might fear being judged, laughed at, shut down, or told you’re wrong for feeling the way you do.
For some, this fear is wrapped up in worries about being too much e.g. too kinky, too needy, too complicated. For others, it's about feeling not enough e.g. not skilled enough, not attractive enough, not sexual enough. In both cases, that fear can silence honest expression and lead to going along with things just to feel accepted.
This can lead to staying silent to protect your self-image or to avoid rejection. However, you might then feel that you are not having the sex that you really want or desire, or sex can feel like it's focused only on one persons needs and wants rather than a shared experience.
- You might notice thoughts such as:
- “If I ask for that, will they still want me?”
- “They’ll think I’m boring if I say I don’t like that.”
- “They might leave if I don’t keep up.”
- "What if they think I'm not good at sex?"
3.Lack of Sexual Education and Language
Most people are never taught how to talk about sex in a healthy, respectful or body-positive way. Even medically accurate terms like "vulva" or "erection" are often avoided or joked about. This absence of open discussion makes it difficult to develop the language needed to express wants, boundaries or experiences.
In addition to vocabulary gaps, there's often a discomfort with the act of naming. People might feel awkward saying "touch me here', or struggle to describe what feels good versus what doesn't. Language that provokes embarrassment or anxiety, can make it difficult to communicate as it becomes something that is uncomfortable rather than enjoyable or safe.
For example,
- You may want to ask for more clitoral stimulation but feel too awkward to bring it up.
- Perhaps you enjoy anal stimulation but feel too embarrassed to say it.
- Maybe a certain area is very sensitive to touch and can tip into a painful sensation but trying to explain that to a partner feels difficult.
4.Gender and Power Dynamics
Gender norms can heavily influence how people approach sex. In many cultures, men are taught to be assertive and performative during sex, while women, or more submissive partners, are taught to be passive, pleasing, or accommodating. These stereotypes are often depicted in media or pornography and can influence expectations of ourselves and our partners during sex. If there is an expectation on the role you "should" take during sex, it can stifle authentic communication on all sides.
For example:
- An individual may feel ashamed to ask questions through fear it'll make them seem inexperienced.
- A person may feel pressure to go along with things, even if they are unsure or uncomfortable.
- Non-binary or queer individuals may feel invisible in conversations that are shaped by heteronormative scripts.
In some relationships, there are also real or perceived power imbalances. This can be due to gender, age, experience, emotional dependency, or cultural roles that can make it harder for one person to speak freely. This is especially true if previous attempts to communicate were dismissed or responded to in a negative way.
This may lead to experiences where an individual feels like they cannot openly communicate without ruining the relationship or believing that it is their "job" to satisfy their partner, even at their own expense.
5.Identity and Invisibility
Mainstream conversations about sex and intimacy are often shaped by heteronormative, cisnormative narratives and experiences. There are often unspoken assumptions that sex is between a cisgender man and a cisgender woman, that it involves penetration (or 'penis in vagina'/'PIV' sex), and that there is a "default" way to give and receive pleasure. These assumptions don't just exclude LGBTQ+ people from representation, they also shape how sex is taught, discussed and even imagined.
For those whose identities, bodies or desires fall outside of this mould, it can be incredible hard to feel seen or understood in spaces where sex is framed in binary, gendered terms, for example:
- Having your body misgendered or reduced to anatomy.
- Finding that conversations focused around pleasure presume roles e.g. giver/receiver, top/bottom, in a binary way that doesn't fit your wants or desires.
Similarly, queer people including those in same-gender relationships, polyamorous relationships or those exploring beyond the heteronormative dynamics can often find that:
- Sexual education has completely ignored their experiences.
- Consent conversations are often focused on heterosexual norms (e.g. penis in vagina sex).
- Frameworks that discuss pleasure often don't reflect their desires or structures of intimacy.
When navigating sex and intimacy as a queer or non-binary person, you're not just trying to communicate personal desires, you are often having to carve out a language, safety and legitimacy in a system that hasn't held space for anything beyond the heteronormative experience. This can feel alienating and can lead conversations to feel exhausting if you have to constantly correct, translate or educate.
6.Transgender experiences
For transgender people, communicating during sex can come with an added layer of vulnerability which is often shaped by gender dysphoria, fear of being fetishised or harmed, and a lack of bodily autonomy in past relationships. (Dysphoria refers to feelings of distress related to a persons gender identity not aligning with the sex they were assigned at birth).
Sexual language is often not only gendered, but deeply tied to body parts in ways that can trigger dysphoria. A trans man may not want his chest or genitals referred to with traditionally “female” language. A trans woman may feel invalidated if her body is treated in a way that doesn’t align with her affirmed gender. And many trans people simply don’t have access to spaces where those preferences are even asked about, let alone respected.
There’s also a real safety concern for many trans people. Rejection, emotional harm, and even physical violence are common and valid fears. This means that what might seem like a simple conversation about boundaries or desire can carry the weight of real risk.
And beyond that, many trans people carry deep shame or trauma from being invalidated in past relationships e.g. having their gender identity challenged.
This can lead to Trans people feeling pressure to over-explain, to tolerate discomfort, or feel they have to accept the sexual experiences offered to them without space to acknowledge their own wants, needs and desires are important and valid.
- Trauma and Previous Negative Sexual Experiences
For many people, the ability to speak openly during sex is shaped not just by the present circumstances, but also by past experiences. If our past experiences have not felt emotionally, physically or psychologically safe, then communication can feel really difficult. You may have learned, consciously or unconsciously, that expressing your needs or desires might lead to harm, dismissal or rejection.
This might stem from moments where boundaries weren't respected, where saying "no" didn't feel like an option, or where silence felt safer than speaking. It might come from an experience where you felt coerced or pressured, medical procedures which felt invasive or experiences that felt technically consensual but were deeply uncomfortable.
When safety has been compromised in the past, the body and nervous system often carry that memory. In these moments, communication isn't just hard, it can feel threatening, confusing or even inaccessible. You may notice:
- freezing or going quiet, even if something doesn't feel good.
- overriding your discomfort to please or protect someone else.
- feeling on edge or highly anxious (hypervigilance).
- dissociation or emotional numbness during sex and intimacy.
- finding it difficult to identify what you actually want or enjoy.
- Internal Pressure, Uncertainty, and Fear of Disruption
Even in long term, caring and consensual relationships, many people struggle to speak up during sex because of factors such as putting internal pressure on yourself, emotional uncertainty, and/or a fear of disrupting the connection. You might:
- Worry that you need to be good in bed or fear that asking questions or voicing a need might lead to negative judgement.
- Fear that giving feedback or expressing a boundary will ruin the mood or make things feel awkward.
- Feel unsure about what you want, particularly if you have rarely been encouraged to explore it.
- Feel anxious that saying something could lead a partner to feel upset, rejected or inadequate.
These feelings are very common, particularly in a culture that treats sex as something we just know how to do or approaches with an attitude of 'you'll figure it out'.
In reality desires, needs and boundaries are things that can shift moment to moment. Communication to navigate this with care is key and this should focus on creating space for honesty, curiosity and checking in, both with yourself and your partner(s).
It's OK to acknowledge that this can feel really difficult though and requires safety, trust and time.
For practical tips on practicing communication around sex, click here.
